MUSINGS OF A MISFIT

NATE DOGG, NEGROES, & NUTRITION

2011-03-18T05:10:00.010-05:00

When I received the news of Nate Dogg's death I immediately began laughing. I thought it was another foolish internet rumor sparked by a pitiful blogger who had too much time on their hands. How could Nate Dogg be dead? I knew he was affliated with West Coast rappers who claim(ed) membership in urban street gangs, but he wasn't a hardcore thug; he was a brother who sung hooks on various hip-hop records. He crooned about hoes in different area codes with Ludacris while telling ignorant negroes to lay low with Snoop and Dre! I knew he hadn't fallen prey to the "Tupac Shakur Syndrome" that took the life of Christopher Wallace, Big L, Jam Master Jay, Soulja Slim, and Magnolia Shorty--- so I continued chuckling while blasting "Area Codes" from my computer speakers.

No disrespect was intended. Gossip and rumor mills have killed off numerous celebrities who are still alive and well. While watching CNN I finally saw that the news of his death wasn't malacious hear-say, he was dead; but he hadn't been brutally murdered in the fashion I thought he'd be. I was shocked to learn that he'd previously survived two strokes before suffering the heart attack that prematurely ended his life at the age of 41.

The cause of his death resonated with me. I felt guilt for brushing his death away as a joke since life is a precious thing, but it was more than that. I began thinking of all my family members that have died throughout the years. I noticed an eerie pattern that hadn't clicked until that moment--- every blood relative that I've lost has died from related complications that were rooted in preventable ailments such as diabetes(type 2), heart disease, or hypertension.

Then my thoughts shifted to Black celebrities who died under similar circumstances. I immediately thought of Luther Vandross, Nell Carter, and Gerald Levert. Their lives ended prematurely, and I for one, think that it's tragic.

I am avoiding the temptation of being quasi-militant and revolutionary as I write this article. I could easily berate the Black community and say that we need to get our 'ish together when it comes to our health and eating habits. I could talk about the "evils" of the soul food that many Black people consume while referencing various statistics that support my claims, but I won't do that, not today!

What good would it do??? No one would receive my words and it would do nothing but incite a multitude of pointless and immature debates, disguised as thought-provoking dialouge. In the end, nothing solution-oriented would be produced. That's the easy route to take; today I'll take the road less traveled.

When it comes down to it, American culture is extremely unhealthy. It's not a Black thing, a White thing, a Hispanic thing, or an Asian thing! It's an epidemic that is affecting the majority of American citizens. Do not let anyone fool you into saying it's a Black thing. I am tired of the media, commentators, and bloggers declaring the dire state of all Black bodies, especially our women, who are always labeled unhealthy and overweight.

Guess what??? The majority of ALL Americans are unhealthy, sedentary, and overweight. Heart disease is the number one killer of ALL American citizens-- not only people with dark skin, thicker lips, and tightly coiled hair(that is grown, not processed or sewn onto one's head, but let's leave that topic for another article concerning "Good Hair").

Let us understand! Poor eating habits, obseity, and degenrative diseases are not "African-American problems," but we have more to lose than our white counter-parts!

Economically-speaking, we earn less money than the average Anglo-Saxon worker; do we really want to spend a large percentage of our net-pay on varying medications, treatments, and hospital visits for a disease that can be prevented by changing our eating habits?

Let us also keep in mind the sky-rocketing cost of health insurance that is offered by privately and publicly owned businesses throughout the nation--- many of these companies deny coverage to individuals who have developed 'pre-existing' conditions such as hypertension, heart disease, and type 2 diabetes.

Moreover, individuals who develop these ailments are usually forced to work fewer hours which will hit their pocket-books even harder if they have little-to-no health insurance coverage.

And let us not forget that those individuals who die prematurely reduce their chances of transferring generational wealth to their children and grand-children, instead relatives of these individuals risk inheirting generational debt.

Sadly, many Black Americans have prematurely lost a loved one and inheirted their debt; this weakens our influence in this captialistic society where money equals power.

If nothing else, we must maintain our health to help strengthen our families and communities; this is a simple revolutionary act in my opinion. We don't have to march and petition for the white man to accept us as equal. We don't need him to validate our worth, nor do we need him to understand our plight. I feel like we waste a lot of energy trying to get the white man to do that, these are ineffective actions. Let us strengthen ourselves! One applicable way that we can do this is by being mindful of the foods we eat and the physical activity we participate in to take care of our bodies.

There is much knowledge to be given, analyzed, and discussed; much more than I could ever fit into one entire article; this is why I have decided to dedicate my next 10-15 posts to healthy eating and lifestyle habits for Black Americans.

It is a new interest and passion of mine that I've been actively researching and implementing in my own life. Friends and family who know me personally may wonder why I've decided to become so diehard about this since I'm a relatively thin individual, but I'd like for those individuals to realize that being slim and having a nice body doesn't give one immunity from health issues related to diet and excercise--- that is one myth I would like to disspell!

A cousin of mine who is 5'7, 145 pounds, and 26 years old was recently diagnoised with type 2 diabetes. This is a case of a slim individual who developed a condition due to the overconsumption of glucose(sugar). Halle Berry serves as another example of a slim person who has developed a health problem due to a poor diet, she too, has type 2 diabetes.

Stay tuned to my blog, I have some knowledgeable, encouraging, and interesting posts coming within these coming weeks!!!!!

Keep it healthy and be breezy!!! PEACE!!!

THE HIT LIST: "Individuals Who Make Me Re-Consider My Pro-Life Beliefs"

2010-10-11T14:22:00.015-05:00

The people on this list are an absolute waste of skin! I depise their "contributions" to society and wish their mothers would have chosen to give their fathers some crucial knowledge, instead of opting to open the glistening gates of the willow's waterfall the night they were conceived.

The world would definitely be a better place had they not been born. Psychological dissonance occurs when I ponder upon these people; I find the act of abortion to be extremely deplorable, yet somehow I've convinced myself that the Supreme Being of the universe would have been okay with the mothers of these f*ckers allowing a doctor to suck the vapid lifeforms from their wombs with a turbo-charged vacuum.

Unfortunately, I do not possess the power to un-do what's already been done. At this point, I can only hope they run head-first into an assassin's stray bullet.

**sighs**

Que Será, Será!!!!

Whatever will be, will be! Hopefully, the idiots on this list ascend to some higher level of existentialism and decide to retreat from the limelight, or somehow cease to exist in this realm; either option would be fine by me!

Anyhoo, without further ado, I present my own personal hit-list:

#1: Tyler "Madea" Perry-

Tyler Perry is a marginally talented individual whose business saavy has provided him with the opportunity to to promote and profit from lackluster bullsh*t while simultaneously reducing Black artistic expression to the lowest common denominator.

He obviously studied Sean Combs' narcissistic and exploitative approach to the music business and applied those lessons to the film industry.

However, I should note that I respect Diddy as a person. Diddy doesn't pimp religion for profit, nor does he pretend to be a 'nice guy' whose bullsh*t creations somehow elevate all Black people to a higher plane via a divine metaphysical presence.

My major pet-peeve with Perry is his use of religion as a major selling point of his brand. When someone criticizes his television shows or plays, he is quick to tell everyone, "I'm only doing what God has called me to do," instead of actually working to improve his feces-ridden writing and directorial skills.

He claims to be about the empowerment of Black people, but he rarely deals with unionized writers, and even went far as firing Black writers who attempted to gain benefits of being unionized.

The man is a fraud who hides behind a veil of religion and pseduo-Black power/unity to promote his bullsh*t!

I'd say he deserves 7 bullets to the craninum for this 'ish!

#2: Waka Flocka Flame-
This is the idiot that knocked Soulja Boy Tell 'Em off my list! I'll be leinient with Soulja Boy; he is an inexperienced young brother who is barely out of his teens. The brother can't even legally purchase alcohol(Plus, I can't lie.... that negro makes some hella good club bangers...) I'll give him a chance to mature and develop.

Conversely, Waka Flocka is a grown ass man whose stupidity I cannot excuse! I won't even waste the mental energy of explaining why he's on the list. I'll allow him to justify my opinion with the following video clips:

Seriously, how can anyone over the age of twelve be this ignorant AND dumb?? This is a horrible representation of Black men!

He deserves 3 hollow-tipped bullets to the dome and a throat-punch from Mike Tyson for this 'ish!!!

#3: Trey Songz-
Trey Songz represents everything wrong with the entertainment industry. He is a good-looking brother with lackluster talent. The quality of his voice is whiny. He cannot sustain a note without going flat or sharp, and his songs are excessively basic. He is a male reincarnation of Ashanti.

I considered labeling him a new millieneum male-version of Adina Howard due to the sexually suggestive themes in his music, then I remembered that she actually had a pretty amazing singing voice to back-up her rauchiness!

It could be worst though, he could be a bearilla looking brother trying to get girls wet between the legs while grinding and singing Gospel music.

Meh!

He still deserves a Samuri's sword to the gut for his horrible, horrible singing voice!

Surely, Teddy Pendergrass and Marvin Gaye both make a full three-hundred and sixty degree rotation in their respective graves everytime a Trey Songz record is spun!

#4:Wendy Williams-

This female impersonator irks the hell outta me!! Everytime I hear him say, "How You Doing," the urge to kill rises from the pit of my stomach. Additionally, I cannot respect a person who makes a living spreading rumors, lies, and gossip about others. He deserves to be circumised without any anesthesia! Who knows, maybe he'll have a fatal seizure from the pain.......

'Nuff said!

KEEP IT BREEZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PEOPLE DON'T DANCE NO MORE: "Why Current Black Shows Are Failing"

2010-10-09T14:47:00.016-05:00

The presence of Black faces (minus the minstrely) on American television is nearing extinction! Sure, we're making our token apperances in multi-cultural dramas as almost emotional-less beings, but the fact still remains that we have yet to produce a long-lasting quality show with a predominantly African-American cast.

Is it the systematic racism of this nation that minimizes our presence on the airwaves??? NAH!!!!!!!!

Is it shoddy writing???? HELL NO!!!!!

You wanna know what it is that's keeping us from having our own shows????

***Tension-building drumroll***

WE'RE NOT DANCING ANYMORE!!!!!!

We aren't given "The Man" what he wants from us. We gotta shuck, jive, coon, and sell-out just a little bit in order to maintain our presence on the airwaves! We have become some uppity negroes who think too highly of ourselves!!!

It doesn't matter if the script is a riveting creation of the highest artistic merit, we as people of African descent still must shimmy and shake in order to remain on the air.

Hell, if it's good enough for the Dr. William H. Cosby aka Bill Cosby aka America's Favorite Dad aka Nasty Que aka Mr. Come On People, then it's good enough for this current crop of coloreds trying to get a showing!!!

Bill Cosby has the most successful Black television show of all-time. It featured a talented-tenth power-couple that consisted of an influtential gynecologist and attorney with five all-American kids to tote. It was a ground-breaking situation comedy that debunked numerous negative stereotypes of Black Americans. Absent where mush-mouthed mofos who couldn't formulate a complete sentence. Absent was the angry Black father always complaining about how "The Man" was keeping him down. Absent was the single-mother struggling to make end's meat to support her family, and absent were the troubled and "at-risk" Black kids with a questionable future. They were pretty much free of sterotypes, but that still didn't keep these docile Negroes from shaking their ass to boost ratings!!!!

Season 1 ratings were low til they popped, locked, and dropped it!

Why F*** UP a winning formula?????

Jiggin' all the way to #1 on the Nielson Ratings during Season 2

It didn't stop there though. Season 2 of the Cosby Show also began the trend of Black folks twurkin' it out during the opening credits of their television shows!

Cosby Show: Season 2 Opening

Cosby Show: Season 3 Opening

Cosby Show: Season 4 Opening

Cosby Show: Season 5 Opening

Cosby Show: Season 6 & 7 Opening

Cosby Show: Season 8 Opening

Other Black shows followed the trend! The dancing in the opening credits is the reason why shows like A Different World, In Living Color, Martin, Living Single, Sister/Sister, Smart Guy, Hangin' With Mr. Cooper, Moesha, and The Parkers remained on the air during the 1990s.

We became haughty in the 2000s. Were they dancing during the opening credits of My Wife and Kids? NOPE!!! Guess what, they were canceled. Were they dancing on The Bernie Mac Show?? NOPE!!! And they were promptly canceled!! Same goes for Everybody Hates Chris!!!! And Daryl "Chill" Mitchell's wheel-chair bound ass never stood a chance(literally!)w/ FOX's "Brothers."

None of these shows made it past their fourth season!!! Not because of shoddy writing, but because they failed to provide white America with the necessary disarming and charming bait to watch their shows during the introductory credits.

Terrance Howard, Regina King, and Boris Kodjoe need to get their sh*t together and start searching for choreographers, STAT!!!!!..... if they want their television shows to survive past the first season.

I recommend Shane Sparks or Fatima Robinson!!! Or save on production costs, pull a 'Tyler Perry' and randomly break-out the Electric Slide in the middle of aired episodes!

GOOOODDDD DAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!

DOUBLE STANDARDS OF RACE IN AMERICA

2010-10-08T00:22:00.004-05:00

White people see themselves as the golden standard of humanity, even though they only comprise twelve percent of the world's population. People of Asiatic descent make-up over thirty percent of the world's population, while persons of African-lineage follow suit at roughly nineteen percent of the global population.

World-wide, White people are the true minorities of this planet, yet the long-lasting effects of their cultural hegemony and imperialism has established an international consciousness that pepertuates the superiority and normalcy of Eurocentrism(whiteness), while Afrocentrism(Blackness), Asian-centrism, and Indocentrism are continually reduced to a comparable status of irregular inferiority.

Surely, a White person would never explicitly announce the subordinate status of another culture in American society, but it's very noticeable in the actions of Caucasians throughout the nation.

Throughout my lifetime, I've seen White people denounce and question my culture via their actions. I've experienced it as a Black man who's been trailed by law enforcement officers for simply walking in a predominantly White neighborhood. I've felt it when a White person wonders why I'm such an articulate individual, as if being a well-spoken person was something reserved for "Whites Only."

I put forth an earnest effort not to despise White people, but it isn't easy; I know I am judged from the moment I enter their peripheal. I wonder, "Do they see a thug?" "Am I viewed as a menance?" "A criminal?" "A crook?" "A violent, angry nigga ready to wreak havoc in their space?"

I cannot say for sure. I'm not pyschic, but I am excessively observant. Throughout the years, I've noticed a number of double-standards that soldify the notions of racism that persist in my consciousness. These occurences are listed below:

#1: Group of White Kids vs. Group of Black Kids
Since childhood, I've noticed the differing stimulus responses that a large crowd of Black children receive in comparison to our White counterparts. Whether at the mall, the movies, school, or simply walking the streets-- a crowd of Black teens has always been viewed as deviant. We are followed by store managers, security guards, and other authority figures who keep a watchful eye over us to ensure that we don't incite a revolutionary riot. Contrarily, large groups of White teeny-boppers aren't given the same amount of scrutiny, nor are they met with the same amount of apprehension. They are allowed to do as they please, and unconsciously revel in their priviledge.

I became conscious of this phenomenon as an adolescent in Dallas.

The State Fair of Texas opens its gates for state residents at the beginning of each Fall semester. Annually, free tickets are distributed to Dallas area students,
however schools with predominantly Black and Hispanic populations are always sactioned to attend the State Fair during the last weekend of its run; extra security and police officers were always present on our days to attend. Moreover, vendors and State Fair workers aren't cordial to the droves of Black and Brown faces.

Why is this????????????????????????

#2: Loud White Chick vs. Loud Black Chick
Recently, a boisterous Caucasian chick nearly ruined my dining experience as I hung with a group of friends. This particular young lady possessed an extremely obnxious, loud, and annoying voice that could be heard throughout the cafe. I was sure of her sobriety; in fact, my friends and I uniformly turned and gave her the "STFU" look. Apparently, she didn't receive the message as she continued shouting at the top of her lungs.

At one point, I randomly mentioned the White priviledge that was taking place before our eyes.

My Black female friend and I, both discussed the contrasting perceptions that would have abound, had the loud woman been a person of color. We theorized that a Black woman in the same early-to-mid 20s age range would have been labeled as "ghetto," "country," "hood," and other degenerative descriptions??

Moreoever, resturant staff and patrons would have spoken to her about her volume and behavior had she been a Black woman.

Why is this?????????????????????????

#3: Texas Relays vs. SXSW Music Festival
Texas Relays and SXSW Music Festival are both annual events held in Austin,TX. Both events draw large crowds of individuals from around the nation. However, one event draws a huge Black crowd, while the other draws a enormous White crowd. Both are held in the downtown business sector of the city. Both generate huge cash revenues for the city, yet the city of Austin still treats the Black vistors who descend upon the city for the Texas Relay weekends as a security threat!

Security is beefed up throughout the city, sections of the freeway are shutdown, and shopping centers are forced to close early by Austin P.D.

None of these "security precautions" are taken for the SXSW Music Festival, in fact, I cannot remember seeing a policeman or security guard during the SXSW Music Festival.

This is another case of race discrimination. Black people are once again treated as second-class citizens and unruly criminals!

Again, I wonder.... WHY IS THIS????????????????????????????

#4: Negative Images of Whiteness vs. Negative Images of Blackness
Another case of White Priviledge plays itself out in the media. Television shows such as Married With Children, Malcolm in the Middle, Jackass, Roseanne, Jersey Shore, My Name Is Earl, All in the Family, and Mama's Family are entertainment programs that portray the imperfections of Caucasian-American families.

These T.V. families are far-cries from the pristine Huxtables, but they are allowed to do that without the worry and stress of portraying postive representations of their race.

Why?? Because, White America already views Blackness as something that's dangerous, different, and deviant; this forces African-Americans to continually present an image of ourselves that changes the mind of White America, while also making us digestable to them.

We have to prove our humanity on-screen. This sickens me! As a people we have yet gain the liberating freedom to portray such perceived "negative" multifaceted images of ourselves without receiving criticism.

The film "Precious" is an example of what I describe. It is a well-written, acted, and directed film, but the images presented conflict with "Strong, Black, Sophisticated, and Intelligent" that we fight to have seen on-screen.

Why is this????????????????????????????

#5: Barack Obama vs. John McCain
I'll keep it short and simple! Barack Obama is a genuis! He graduated top of his class from Havard Law, yet his crendentials for president were always questioned during his run for president during the 2008 elections. Conversely, John McCain finished dead last in his collegiate class.

Now, let us think for a minute. If a Black man was running for president and happened to graduate last in his class; he wouldn't stand a chance with the media. Conservatives would cry "affirmative action candidate," while the remainder of the general public would simply be validated in their opinions of Black Americans.

If Barack Obama were White with his Harvard Law credentials and work-history as a junior-senator his ascension to the White House would have been a breeze along a paved yellow brick road. Additionally, the Tea Party would not exist.

Again, why is this????????????????

Unbalanced standards of race persist in this nation, and all I can keep saying like Socrates is, "WHY IS THIS?????????????????????????????"

CHEATING 101: "The Do's and Dont's of an Affair"

2010-10-07T18:36:00.009-05:00

There needs to be a college level course on the art of cheating! It seems like such a trendy thing to do, yet unfortunately many of the mofos who engage in the duplicitious behavior haven't a clue of how to properly carry out an affair on their signficant others without being caught in the act.

These foolish individuals are mistaken! They believe cheating to be an adventerous, thrill-seeking activity that requires little-to-no preparation, but I ask, why would one indulge themselves in such behavior without a proper plan???

Affairs are serious business with dire consequences. Why put your psychological, emotional, and financial well-being at stake for a sample of the "side-piece?" I'm talking to you Fantasia Barrino! You too, Tiger!! You both could have definitely benefitted from a few of my lectures, instead of opting to forfeit fifty-percent of your fortune and sanity! All of that was totally un-necessary!!!

Yes, it's a sad state of affairs when liquid Purex is poured over a man's entire wardrobe. It's an even sadder state of affairs when confrontations such as the following occur:

Obviously, cheating(and the fall-out from doing so) is no respecter of persons. The rich, poor, ugly, attractive, old, young, man, and woman are all capable of the committing the act, which is why I deem it necessary to create a list of tips for dim-witted and dense individuals to live by if they ever find themselves "stepping out."

TIP #1:
CONTINUE ENGAGING YOUR PRIMARY MATE
The majority of individuals who cheat make the heinous mistake of unconsciously chunking the deuce to their primary mate. Fellas, if you have a girlfriend or wife, continue interacting with her as you did before the sideline-ho stepped into the picture. If you and your woman spent each night talking about your day at the office followed by a few hours of passionate intimacy, then continue following this routine DAMN IT! If you don't have the stamina; I suggest investing in some ginseng, taking Vitamin C, or even popping a few Viagra if need-be to keep your numero uno chica satisfied! Don't come home, roll-over, and go to sleep without making love and talking to her for more than two nights in a row! That's a dead give-a-way that something has gone awry.

TIP #2:
INVEST IN A "PAY-AS-YOU-GO" PHONE
Do NOT utilize your primary cell-phone, landline, or work-number to communicate with your side-piece! You don't want your wife or girlfriend to discover a phone bill with numerous calls made to the same unrecognized number over a period of time. Purchase a prepaid wireless device! You can buy these phones at a fairly inexpensive rate without having to register the phone in your name. Purchase the phone with cash! Avoid using money orders, credit, debit, or travelers checks for this transaction. Lastly, keep the phone on vibrate and erase the ENTIRE call-log history, just in case the phone is discovered. Deniability will be in your favor if the entire call-log is erased. Get in the habit of doing this everytime you use the phone to communicate with your side-line ho.

TIP #3:
AVOID SENDING TEXT MESSAGES, EMAILS, FB MESSAGES, AND TWEETS
Again, deniability is crucial. Even with the prepaid phone, it'd be in your best interest to avoid sending text messages. People have been known to save such electronic messages as incriminating evidence to blackmail. Avoid sending them at all costs; they will only come back to bite you in the behind. Also, refrain from sending any emails, facebooks, or tweets. In fact, your sideline piece shouldn't even have access to your email, facebook, or twitter account. If, by chance, they do find you on any of these social networks, PROMPTLY block them! It seems cruel and heartless, but remember what's it stake if you are found out. It is the most effective route to take in the long-road.

PS: If you have a blog, block them from accessing this as well!!!

TIP #4:
AVOID PLACES YOU CONSISTENTLY FREQUENT
Proximity is the main idea! Never cheat in places that you frequent on a consistent basis. Naturally, carry out your tristes in hotels, never at your home. Also, avoid your favorite resturant, movie theather, club, lounge, or concert-hall while with your sideline piece. I suggest carrying out all of your "extra affairs" in a section of the city you rarely frequent; if you find yourself hanging in the south-side of your city, then consider taking your sidepiece to the far-north area of your city. This will minimize your chances of being found out by anyone you or your primary mate knows.

TIP #5:
AVOID FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY & VIDEO CAMERAS
There is nothing more idiotic than collecting keepsakes from your affair! The most lame-brained thing a person could do is take pictures with their sidepiece in this age of the social network!!! Not only do you avoid taking pictures with the "other" man or woman, but it'd be a great idea to confine your interactions with them to hotels and other secluded places! All the necessities are there. You have your hotel resturants, bars, and rooms all within the same facilities. There is no need to wine and dine your sidepiece as if you were in an actual relationship. Additionally, if you and your sidepiece are famaliar with the same group of people, I'd also suggest pretending that you hate their guts in public settings. Faking arguments over politics, race, religion, and issues surrounding sexuality are a great method of throwing people off the scent!

TIP #6:
MAINTAIN CONFIDENTALITY
Do NOT tell your mother, brother, sister, father, best-friend, co-worker, clergyman, pizza-man, milk-man, post-man, or short-order cook about the affair going on. It will only come back to bite you in the a$$!!! Keep in between you and your Creator!!! Again, keep that deniability going. If your best friend, parents, or clergyman are ever confronted by your number 1 lover, they will be able to contend your innocence. This is a great idea, especially if your primary girlfriend or boyfriend knows that you tell certain individuals everything about your life.

TIP #7:
UTILIZE PROPHYLACTICS
Break out the latex condoms, diaphrams, spermicide, and birth control pills. Nothing worst than an unplanned kiddo, burning urination, and smelly discharge to get you caught and caught-up!!! Again, purchase these items with cash! Or go to a free-clinic to acquire them. You can use a pseduonym at the free clinic! **Don't be like Alicia and Swizz Beatz! Or Derwin and Janae, lol....

TIP #8:
WASH YOUR BODY WITH ODORLESS SOAP
Most soaps have a particular scent! Do not have sex with your side-piece, and then wash your body with Dial soap, if Safeguard is used in your home. This will raise a red-flag, particuarly amongst women! Purchase oatmeal based soaps like Aveeno that are odorless! This way, you'll still be able to cleanse your body after having sex with your side-piece while avoiding any discenrable scents that will raise the suspcion of your significant other.

TIP #9:
CARRY FEBREZE
Scents and smells are a dead give away. If your sidepiece wears colgne or perfume it'd be a great idea to carry Febreze with you. The Febreze will eliminate the smell of their fragrance from your clothes. The best time to spray your clothes is after the orgasm, but before the shower so the Febreze has time to dry on your clothes.

TIP #10:
DEFINE THE TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP WITH SIDE-PIECE
It is vital to have an extremely frank and earnest conversation with your sidepiece mate. Discussions about whether your relationship is strictly for sex and pleasure or a possible real relationship at some point in the future should be had. Also, conversations regarding the frequency of your meetings should be had. Lastly, it'd be a great idea for you both to come up with different contigency plans on how to handle getting caught if it ever occurs......

****BONUS TIP: Do not keep a written record of your cheat-sheet, it WILL come back to bite you in the ass. Instead, commit these suggestions and tips to memory while learning to implement them with constant, routine habit via your actions!!!!

HAPPY TRAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!
____________________________________________________________________

COONERY: "Is B.E.T. trying to quit you?"

2010-08-31T20:38:00.012-05:00

Seriously! What former VH1 employee(s) decided to take a pay-cut and lend their professional services to the good folks over at the less than illustrious Black Entertainment Television network? The 'My Mic Sounds Nice,' documentary that aired this past Monday night was absolutely amazing; it chronicled the history of femcees in the hip-hop industry.

Absent were disjointed editing cuts, poor sound quality, and one-dimensonal portrayals of African-Americans that have become standard in BET programming; instead there were smooth editing transitions, excellent sound quality, and a varied collective of intelligent conversations from leading femecees, producers, marketing executives, professors, journalists, feminists, and chavunists.

Black women were shown as more than a phat ass, wet vag, and jiggalatin' titties! Moreover, we are actually given a chance to hear industry veterans such as Missy Elliot, Eve, and Trina voice their views on the shortage of bankable female artists in the hip-hop corner of the universe.

Definitely NOT a bad look! I'm still taken aback. I haven't seen such non-coonified programming on this station since the late 90s. I wonder, is B.E.T. preparing for a push towards positivity? Or was this program simply lightning in the bottle?
Who knows? Regardless, enjoy the posted portion of the documentary!

What are your opinions on it???

HOW UGLY ARE YOU?: "PART DEUX"

2010-08-26T09:30:00.000-05:00

If you missed Part One, click here!

A continuation of my patented ten-point scale is listed below:

SIX :
Celebrity Example: Sanna Lathan
You ARE a 6 if you resemble this woman in any way. Sure, you have miniscule oddities and imperfections, but they're nothing major that'll make a dude cringe, grimace, or shudder at the sight of you. So, CONGRATULATIONS are in order, you're officially above average!

Confidence: Learn to maintain some semblance of humility. I mean, you're above average, but you're still no Helen of Troy or Queen Esther. Your looks will neither start, nor end a war so don't smell yourself TOO hard even if the aroma is overwhemingly intoxicating.

Attitude: Is it possible to balance being strong without being a total b*tch? That should be one of your personal goals in life!

Intelligence: A high-school diploma and common sense isn't asking too much!

Culinary Skills: Can you at least make spaghetti?? It's not very difficult to prepare.

Sex-Game: You might get-away from with-holding head, but you better be able to ride the stick and work miracles with a bottle of Jergens!

Final Tips: Remember: "You're still dumpable!" Let the guard down and display some humility, pronto!
___________________________________________________________

SEVEN :
Celebrity Example: Nia Long
You ARE a 7 if you resemble this woman in any way. Lucky #7! You're a bad chick, and you know it. You mesmerize damn near every man(and manly woman) who crosses your path. Unfortunately, hella-hella fine women aren't getting PERMANENTLY wifed up these days! I've seen a lot of transitional and temporary situations that've left me scratching my head as I wonder, "Why?"

Confidence: You're at a level of fineness where insecurity really doesn't matter unless you're walking the stroll or swinging on a pole for a Pimp Named Slick Back or Bishop Magic Don Juan; in which case I would advise you to evaluate your career options, and worry about finding love( or a "good time")in the distant future.

Attitude: Again, long as you don't act like a hormonal canine with an itchy vagina 24/7 you're cool!

Intelligence: Bare Minimum-G.E.D. or it's a NO-GO!

Culinary Skills: Long as you can boil water; I'll be okay with ramen noodles, rice, oatmeal, grits, and beans!

Sex-Game: You too, must make miracles happen with a bottle of Jergens and have an excellent riding game!

Final Tips: Long as you aren't a b*tchy, mentally challenged woman with a loose vag; you're good!
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EIGHT :
Celebrity Example: Gabrielle Union
You ARE a 8 if you resemble this woman in any way. So, dark rooms radiate full of light everytime you are in the area! It must feel great to be you! You know you're "it." But, don't abuse your power like our celebrity example, yeah... she's hella-hella fine, but avoid breaking up happy-homes and sh*tting all over your homely counter-parts! That's just wrong, lol.

Confidence: SEE #7 COMMENTS

Attitude: SEE #7 COMMENTS

Intelligence: Long as you can read and comprehend, you're good!

Culinary Skills: We can order out!

Sex-Game: Damn! Can you let a brotha break a sweat! Nothing wrong with a lil' perspiration.

Final Tips: LET ME BREAK A SWEAT!!!!!!!
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NINE :
Celebrity Example: Stacey Dash
You ARE a 9 if you resemble this woman in any way! You are the type of woman who makes men take leave of their senses; we lose our train of thought, stutter, and display other various acts of geekdom when you are around! Good job, lol!

Confidence: SEE THE TEN-SPOT!

Attitude: SEE THE TEN-SPOT!

Intelligence: Have you graduated from Precious' reading class yet? If not, then it's a NO-GO!

Culinary Skills: I'll cook for you! What's your favorite dish??? lol....

Sex-Game: DAMN! Can you stop being afraid to break a sweat! Nothing wrong with a lil' perspiration!

Final Tips: STOP BEING AFRAID TO BREAK A SWEAT!
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TEN :
Celebrity Example: Beyonce Knowles
You ARE a 10 if you resemble this woman in any way. Aesthetically speaking, you are damn near perfect! You are the fluid of the fantasy that finalizes every wet dream. Congratulations, you're an ACTUAL dime-piece.

Confidence: Authentic dime-pieces perplex me; for some odd reason they tend to have self-esteem issues. I've never understood the seemingly unfortunate correlation between pristine beauty and sub-par confidence, but it is okay! Men will tolerate a dime piece's esteem dilemma. Depending on the guy he may attempt to be a coach who boosts your esteem or he'll perceive it as a type of "shyness" which will make you appear humble. Not a bad-look!

Attitude: You are afforded a luxury that most women aren't; you are given an annual quota on the number of times you are allowed to spazz-out and temporarily lose your sanity. Do not abuse this priviledge!

Intelligence: Beyonce isn't a genius, nor is she very well-spoken. Do you think Jay-Z(who is a very intelligent dude) cares? Ponder on that!

Culinary Skills: We'll hire a personal chef!

Sex-Game: Fine chick who's bad in bed is like owning a brand-new Mercedes Benz with a malfunctioning Kia engine that prevents the car from accelerating past 15 mph. If you're totally horrible, let's see if the H.M.O. covers visits to the sex therapist!

Final Tips: Read this list throughly and share it with all your friends because DIME PIECE STATUS rarely lasts a lifetime!

.... In the words of the late great Big Joe Turner, "You so beautiful, but you gotta die someday..."

GOOD NIGHT LADIES AND GENTLEMAN!!!!!!
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In Memory of Aaliyah....

2010-08-25T18:35:00.003-05:00

It's been nine years since the world lost a legend in the making. In honor of this solemn occasion, I've compiled a list of my TOP 9 Aaliyah songs. They're in no particular order, enjoy!

FOOLISH N*GGAS KEEP ME RICH!

2010-08-25T16:10:00.010-05:00
The day I left the Las Vegas cult I became a shell of my former-self. Once upon a time my life had structure, purpose, and meaning. I would rise every morning, have ceremonial sex with a red-headed virgin, eat porrage, bow towards the North Pole, praise Santa, build toys with the other elves, snort a line of coke with Rudolph, eat porrage again, have ceremonial sex with a red-headed Asian, howl at the moon, masturbate, fall asleep, and do it all over again in a perpetual cycle.

It was a glorious life! Then Don King decided to leave the compound with an attractive raven-haired beauty named Rebecca. His pet-name for her was Ms. Becky. She had everything I ever wanted in a woman; stunning good looks, bountiful breasts, a round derriere, and the most luscious pair of lips I'd ever seen.

My passion for her grew expotentially with each passing day, but I knew she was forbidden to me. I was not permitted to make love with brunettes. I was only allowed to be intimiate with other red-heads. It drove me absolutely insane! I would see my brethren hand-cuff her to withering desert cacti, while licking mustard, mayo, and relish from her areolas.

The lust was uncontrollable. I could no longer contain myself! I grabbed my dijon, picante, and tartar sauce prepared to partake in the ambrosa of her temple. As I approached the Six Wisemen of the compound halted me dead in my tracks. I thought I'd be able to appease them fried chicken, watermelon, Soul Plane DVDs, green Blue magic hair grease, gold grills, and fitted baseball caps, but my last ditch-efforts were futile.

I was immediately forced to leave the compound. My crime was attempting to make sweet love to a woman with black tresses, and breaking the cult's hair color-code. Life was harsh following that horny moment of infamy. I was lucky enough to develop a tee-shirt selling business since my expulsion from The Way of the Wiki Waiku Wachovian Badu Lovers of Hate Contemporary Cultish Compound Society.

It was difficult discovering a niche market that generated enough revenue to keep me clothed and fed. Trial and error were my teachers. Intially, I stiched "Free Susan Smith," and "Free Timothy McVeigh" tee-shirts; these creations proved to be a diaster. I couldn't even convince customers to take those shirts off my hands at zero cost. I became frustrated!

Eventually, I realized the error of my ways. I dwelled in a predominantly Black town, they were not interested in promoting Caucasian pathology. I began studying the local culture. They seemed very interested in supporting, perpetuating, and mimicking the nihilistic behavior of foolish Black, Afro-American Negro entertainers.

There was a time, when I thought I'd starve, but when Lil' Kim was arrested, my "Notorious K.I.M." tee-shirts flew off the shelves.

I was even able to launch a website from the profits. I was receiving orders from New York City, Houston, Atlanta, DC, Dayton, New Orleans, Oakland, Los Angeles, and here in the desert. A similar chain of events occured when T.I. was convicted of a crime.

My new line of "FREE LIL' WAYNE" T-shirts have sold internationally!

I've gotta say, there's nothing like a foolish nigga with fame getting into trouble to put money into my pockets while boosting the revenues of the WACKED OUT SICKO JAILHOUSE T-SHIRT EMPORIUM. I can't help but wonder why these tee shirts sold well, while my Nelson Mandela and Assata Shakur shirts continue to collect dust in their orginial boxes?????

HOW UGLY ARE YOU?: "PART ONE"

2010-08-25T02:43:00.037-05:00

There's nothing worse than seeing a grossly unattractive female who thinks too highly of herself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying all ugly women should walk around with their shabby heads hanging down as they inject an abundance of insecurity and inferority into the atmosphere. However, it is esstential for the estrogenic members of society to have full knowledge of their "ugliness factor."

Let's be honest, we live in a vain society. Attractive women are afforded a number of luxurious privileges that their homely counterparts are barred from receiving. Problems occur when women are ignorant of their level of ugliness behave out of pocket, and remain in a perpetual stage of angry-bitter-singleness.

Many are simply in the dark, but that's okay. I am going to shine an illuminating light in this dismal area; In order to assist the fairer sex, I've decided to create an ugly scale complete with a detailed anylasis and tips that will prove useful in daily life.

The ten-point scaled is listed below:

ONE :
Celebrity Example: Whoopi Goldberg
You ARE a 1 if you resemble this woman in any way. Do not worry though, all hope isn't lost. There is a chance that you can still snag a guy. Hell, Whoopi is the epitome of ugly, yet she's managed to land a couple of husbands and lovers. Why? Because she knows she is ugly, and learned to utilize her non-physical features to her advantage. If you are a 1, pay attention to the following analysis of what you need to make it in society.

Confidence: You can NOT afford to be insecure; not even for a moment! Fugly mofos at the bottom of the barrel must be extremely self-assured with a thick skin for all of the belittling insults that WILL come their way. You do not have the right to have a break-down outside the four walls of your home, and for the love of God.... NEVER! NEVER EVER cry in public. Others will only find it humourous!

Attitude: You MUST have a stellar attitude! You must be kind-hearted, friendly, supportive, pleasant, humorous, engaging, and humble. Complaining, frowning, and any general negativity will not be tolerated from you. I know it sounds harsh, but I'm just being brutally honest.

Intelligence: One word-EINSTEIN!

Culinary Skills: Two words-Julia Child!

Sex-Game: Three words- Walking Kama Sutra!

Final Tips: Sharpen ALL your soft skills, develop a thick skin, and be extremely aware of self!
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TWO :
Celebrity Example: Star Jones
You ARE a 2 if you resemble this woman in any way. You're not as shockingly unattractive as the "penny chicks," but still there are few who'd label you as a prettygirl. Again, all is not lost. Examine our celebrity example, she landed a husband, and you can too!! Just follow this advice! Without further ado, here's my two cents:

Confidence: I'll go ahead and echo my previous statements. No man is gonna put up with an ugly girl's low self-esteem, unless he's a bottom-feeding type of individual himself.

Attitude: I repeat-->You MUST have a stellar attitude! You must be kind-hearted, friendly, supportive, pleasant, humorous, engaging, and humble. Complaining, frowning, and any general negativity will not be tolerated from you. I know it sounds mean, but it's factual. ( This statement won't change until we reach NICKEL status, lol....)

Intelligence: Magic Numbers- 1500 on SATs. 3.8 Collegiate GPA.

Culinary Skills: Variety is key! Soul-Food alone won't cut it; learn to make Asian, Nigerian, Creole, French, Italian, Indian, Carribean, Hawaiian, and Middle-Eastern cuisine from scratch!

Sex-Game: You too, must be a walking kuma sutra!

Final Tips: Learn to dress-up your ugly. Develop a good fashion sense, keep your hair done, and consistently tell yourself positive self-affirmations to keep your confidence in the stratosphere.

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THREE :
Celebrity Example: Fantasia Barrino
You ARE a 3 if you resemble this woman in any way. You have hope. There are people in this world who find you attractive, although if one was to take a poll of the general male populace, you wouldn't rate as "cream of the crop." You walk the fine-line between the homely and "alright chick."

Confidence: There are a couple fellas in this world who may tolerate your lack of confidence, but it'll be a good idea to develop some sense of worth so you don't end up intentionally or unintentionally harming yourself after some dude has left you, used you, or did you wrong.

Attitude: SEE PREVIOUS COMMENTS in "1" and "2" rankings.

Intelligence: Long as you aren't a complete and utter idiot, you'll be okay! Still, it wouldn't hurt to keep-up with current events for good conversation.

Culinary Skills: Above average cooking skills are a must. Know how to prepare a delicious meal. Purchase some cook-books if need-be!

Sex-Game: Work on your head-game. If you think it's nasty, prepare thyself to be alone, FOR A GOOD LONG WHILE!

Final Tips: Keep your body tight! Read a couple books!

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FOUR :
Celebrity Example: Sherri Shepherd
You ARE a 4 if you resemble this woman in any way. You're a regular chick! Nothing wrong with being a regular chick. You're not ugly, but you're not hella-hella fine either! MAJORITY of women fall in this category, whether men or women want to admit it.

Confidence: I'm not against a woman having high self-esteem, but women at this level MUST know their limitations, especially since the majority of women in society fall into this category. Being a complaining, ball-busting, and generally pessimistic b*tch will NOT be tolerated! You are not fine enough to engage in such behavior. Again, I'm not saying you should walk around with your head hanging down, but there's no need to be combative. Be easy.

Attitude: SEE PREVIOUS COMMENTS DIRECTLY ABOVE! Be chill.

Intelligence: Again, long as you aren't a complete and utter idiot, you'll be okay! Still, it wouldn't hurt to keep-up with current events for good conversation.

Culinary Skills: Basic baking, sauteeing, and frying skills are needed. Also, be able to make a good sandwich, lol.

Sex-Game: You're not special. Keep working on your head-game and improve level of flexibility. Maybe, learn how to work a pole, lol.....

Final Tips: Combat laziness and remain consistent. Remember, it doesn't take much to be demoted to "penny" or "two-cent" status at this level of beauty.

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FIVE :
Celebrity Example: Tyra Banks
You ARE a 5 if you resemble this woman in any way. You're something of a conumdrum! You walk the fine line between being a regular chick and "slightly above average," sadly you aren't hella-hella fine either. You clean up pretty nicely though! No man would be ashamed to have you on his arm, unless you trip off acid or partake in the habitual hit of the antenna and/or crack-pipe.

Confidence: Confidence will always be important, no matter how ugly or fine a woman is; it is particuarly important for women who've attained nickel status to maintain at least a functioning level of self-esteem. Don't be a door-mat who lets dudes run over you and through you all the damn time. Maintain a good balance.

Attitude: Again I say, no dude likes a b*tch. But, at this level of attractiveness a dude might be willing to tolerate your bull-slick in low-doses. It's still not a good idea to go overboard and outright disrespect, demean, or belittle a dude. Unfair to the ugly chick? Yes it is! But, that's just the way the world works.

Intelligence: Again, a dude might let a woman's simple ways slide if she is cute enough with a good personality. IE: Sarah Palin, yeah she's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I'm sure there've been a lot of dudes willing to wife her up in their day.

Culinary Skills: Learn to make your dude's favorite dish, if nothing else.

Sex-Game: Is great head and flexibility ever wrong?

Final Tips: Keep yourself up.
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What are your thoughts on the subject? Why do you think men give attractive women more leeway? Is this fair? Will this ever change? Comment and let me know!!!

CLICK HERE TO VIEW PART 2

HOMIES OVER HOES?

2010-08-23T22:50:00.004-05:00

"I don't think Homies Over Hoes is a sentiment that A Pimp Named Slickback can cosign, Riley. I mean don't get me wrong. A Pimp Named Slickback would put a lot of things over a hoe. Money over a hoe? Always. Brand new gators over a hoe? Absolutely. A turkey sandwich with just tomato? Guaranteed. But homies? Oh no. A Pimp Named Slickback don't do sh*t for the homies. Let me reiterate. Don't do sh*t for the homies. Unless the homie wanna walk that stroll and get that money, a homie ain't gettin' a g*ddamn thing. And the same goes for brothers, peeps, dudes, fellas, dunnies, comrades, whatever the f*ck niggas is callin' each other nowadays. Sound like some gay sh*t to me."
-A Pimp Named SlickBack (circa 2007)

I concur! I'd also like to piggy-back off of my baby-powder carrying brother's statements and add that one should also refrain from speaking ill of their homies' ladies( even if she is a b*tch) or this could happen to you:

'Nuff said! Selah................. lol.

WHOOP THAT TRICK: "Celebrity Death Match"

2010-08-23T00:42:00.010-05:00

I am something of a paradox! On one hand, I am a pacifist who hugs trees and talks about my feelings while listening to the BeeGees on the beach. On the other, I am a sick, sad, and sadistic mofo who gets a thrill out of forcing people who can't control their d*ck and/or cl*t to watch Whoopi Goldberg and Flava Flav sex-tapes at gun-point in my basement.

Lately, I've been having something of an identity crisis. I don't get the same feeling of personal fulfillment and satisfaction like I used to. I thought about kidnapping FlaWhoopi and coercing them into making love on the beach with the BeeGees playing in the background. But, then I thought... "What good would that do the world?"

The void within began chipping away at my happiness. One day while masturbating to the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers theme song I had an ephiphany. I heard a muffled voice with a speech impediment. This voice instructed me to bring peace to the world through bloody violence and mayheim. I had a devine mission on my hand. One to restore America to its former glory as the chosen nation destined to lead the world to redemption.

I gathered all the necessary ammunition and began my journey across this beautifully blessed land. All of the pistol-whipping, intimidation, and torture of famous people was an absolute joy! I tried to keep a face of stone, but I couldn't resist the hysterical laughter that came bursting from within when I pressed the cold steel of my 9mm against their head. God, it made me feel so alive!

After weeks of abducting celebrities we finally arrived at my maximum security compound in Las Vegas. It was an exhaustive mission. Funds began running low. But I was not afraid. I remembered the words of the stuttering voice, "violence will bring peace." I decided that it would also bring me prosperity. While in town, I contacted Don King. He helped me establish a fighting roster, advertising campaign, and lucrative online betting pool.

Praise be to the voice! For it hath sent me a saint in Don King. I will follow in the ways of Don King and do all that he asks of me. My life is no longer my own. It was bought with a price and I will forever be thankful! Yesterday, he asked me to give him sixty-percent of my worldly possessions and I obliged. Today, I ask of anyone reading this to observe the following fighting roster and PLACE YOUR BETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We need the money to continue our devine mission:
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BOUT #1: Tyler Perry vs. Spike Lee/Aaron McGruder

Fight Analysis-

Underdawg: Spike Lee/Aaron McGruder.

Advantage: Two are better than one. JUMP THAT NIGGA!!!!!!!!!!

Disadv: T.P. has the ability to tap into his inner-b*tch and morph into a gun-toting grand-ma who'll shoot both these niggas dead.....

Odds: (2-1), Intelligence over Coonery.

Predicted Outcome: Tyler Perry's minions of greased-up, muscle-bound negroes and lonely, desperate, unattractive, and overweight female fans are gonna have has back and swiftly take out McGruder and Lee! Following this fight, everyone's gonna meet-up at IHOP for dinner ,dessert, and prayer on Perry.

BOUT #2: Barack Obama vs. Jesse Jackson

Fight Analysis-

Underdawg: Jesse Jackson

Advantage: It's hard to land a punch or get a good grip on a slimy mofo.

Disadv: Stress! Being the PONTUS is an extremely stressful job. Moreover, being the first BLACK Pontus has intensified the level of stress that comes with the job. It's just not smart to f*ck with a stressed-out individual; they will GO IN on you! Ole Messy Jesse doesn't stand a chance. He's already publicly expressed his disdain for Obama. Yeah, he's been owed this ass-whooping for a good while now. The odds are not in his favor.

Odds: (3-1), Jackson over Obama.
Predicted Outcome: Following his ass-whooping, Jesse Jackson will contact Elijah Muhummad and the N.O.I. to schedule a series of mediations that will reconcile him with Obama. This meeting with Muhummad will further fuel rumors of Obama being a Muslim and cost him the 2012 election; causing Obama to whoop Messy Jesse's ass, again!

BOUT #3: Elisabeth Hasselbeck vs. Joy Behar

Fight Analysis-

Underdawg: Elisabeth Hasselbeck

Advantage: That b*tch gotta voice like a banshee that'll stupify and confuse any opponent lying on the ground with blood spouting from their ears.

Disadv: Conditioning! After years of enduring Hasselbeck's never-ending stream of mind-numbing stupidity, Behar adapted and developed an immunity against Hasselbeck's secret weapon. This adaptation will enable Behar to promptly tear that ass up!

Odds: (4-1), Hasselbeck over Behar.

Predicted Outcome: A surprise apperance by Rosie O'Donnell running into the ring drop-kicking Hasselbeck moments before Behar puts her into a full-nelson and forces her to say, "Jesus was a Jew" and "Liberals give it better than conservatives."

BOUT #4: Sarah Palin (R) vs. Hilary Clinton (D)

Fight Analysis-

Underdawg: Hilary Clinton

Advantage: Dude looks like a lady! Ms. Doubtfire, Barbara Bush, and Hilary Clinton are all handsome young ladies who possess a strong masculine jawline and broad shoulders that will prove beneficial in any physical altercation.

Disadv: The mentally retarded have extraordinary physical strength. I wouldn't fuck with Palin in a dark alley, let alone a well-lit ring for a fight. Don't let the good looks fool you, imbeciles feel no pain!

Odds: (2-1), Clinton over Palin
Predicted Outcome: Two backwoods chicks wrestling in a vat of mud in front of all the kissin' kinfolk and cousins.... a six-fingered baby with webbed feet is gonna be born in nine months off this girl-on-girl trailer fantasy!

BOUT #5: N.A.A.C.P. vs. The Tea Party (*MAIN EVENT)
Fight Analysis-

Underdawg: The Tea Party

Advantage: Firm belief in 2nd Amendment rights to bear arms and a strong passion fueled by feelings of entitlement and Anglo-Saxon anger.

Disadv: Numbers! Despite the N.A.A.C.P.'s ineffectiveness in Black America. The majority of African-Americans still despise the Tea Party. There is a slim chance that Black Americans will assume temporary membership in the N.A.A.C.P. to participate in this impending race-war. Hell, there's even a chance of the Latinos joining up to get in on that ass-whooping!!!!!

Odds: (3-1), Tea Party over N.A.A.C.P.

Predicted Outcome: Regardless of who wins a bunch of angry niggas are gonna end-up in jail, while a bunch of bewildered Y.T.s follow the age-old script of being a victim. Some riots might occur, it's difficult to predict such events.
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BONUS BOUT: Angelina Jolie vs. Jennifer Aniston

Fight Analysis-

Underdawg: Jennifer Aniston.

Advantage: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorn!

Disadv: Aniston is a ditz! Jolie has trained for numerous action movies. Jolie ain't no punk!

Odds: (5-1), Aniston over Jolie.

Predicted Outcome: The ambulance carrying an unconscious Aniston away.

i. Once again place your bets!!! I need the funds or Don King will have me murdered!
ii. Do you agree with the odds and predicted outcomes???
iii. What other celebrity battles would you like to see in the future???? Let me know, I'll get the ammo and guns ready.....

FANTASIA: "An American Tragedy?"

2010-08-11T21:00:00.011-05:00

Fantasia is not a classic beauty, nor is she a woman who exudes an alluring aurora of sensuality. As a matter of fact, some may say she's downright ugly. Others may say that her vocals leave much to be desired, however I am not one of those individuals. She may not be Beyonce, Alicia Keys, or Mary J. Blige but she is still a formidable force to be reckoned with; I've been a fan since she was thrust into the national limelight during Season 3 of American Idol.

I'll be the first to admit it! She's no Kathleen Battle, Jessye Norman, or Whitney Houston(circa 1988); technical perfection is not where her strength lies. It's all about the passion and emotive energy that she infuses into each note of every composed melody. I believe America truly felt the songtress during her tenure on American Idol. There were definitely superior singers in the running, but only Barrino was successful in mesmerizing the masses with her innate je ne sas quoi.

Wish I could report that she won the showcase and lived happily ever after. We all know it would be the ugliest of the ugly lies if I even fathomed to proclaim such a statement; "Truth is..." her career has been lambasted by a poor work ethic, illiteracy, financial woes, questionable fashion choices, lackluster management teams, horrible song choices, and a gawd-awful reality television series.

Moreover, she has failed to CONSISTENTLY tap into her limitless potential. An even greater tragedy is that she's recently attempted to commit suicide. Upon receiving word of this solemn turn of events I began mentally constructing the outline for an article, which is odd because I'm not the type of individual who cares, much less writes about the lives of celebrities unless it is specific to their artistic contributions to society.

But, after learning of the affair that fueled the suicide attempt a number of musing came across my mind. I've pondered:

1) Has infidelity become the new monogamy? In addition to celebrities such as Tiger Woods, Angelia Jolie, and Alicia Keys being intangled within infamous love triangles; I've seen an influx of cheating going on in the lives of various associates, friends, and colleagues which has left me wondering, WTF! I don't claim to be an angel, God knows I'm not, but come on! If you know you like lots of variety in your sexual activities, then don't get into a relationship. Wrap it up and do what you do, but don't play with people's emotions.

2) FINALLY! A somewhat well-known Black face that proves that suicide is not a "white thing," that African-Americans are immune from experiencing. Mental health is extremely important. The rates of suicide and other mental health issues in non-white communities is growing and must be addressed. I'm sure countless other Black and Brown faces have contemplated, committed, or attempted suicide.

3) Fame & Money do not produce happiness! Moreover, too much of either too fast can be extremely detrimental!

4) Being extraordinarily gifted does not absolve one from being human and making mistakes. We are all flawed beings living and learning everyday. Being a great singer, dancer, doctor, lawyer, etc. etc. does not mean you have it all together.

5) It's important to Love yourself! It's important that we learn how to love ourselves, so others won't have the power to take advantage of us, and bring us to the breaking point.
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Regardless, I'm hoping she overcomes her personal issues and produces some material that will not only breathe new life into her career, but also send her catapultating towards the stratosphere, in a manner similar to Mary J. Blige and Tina Turner(both who had their share of woes during their career).

The Anti-(EPIC FAIL/F*CK-UP) Formula for Black America

2010-08-06T16:11:00.005-05:00

How long will we remain deaf, dumb, and stupid? This society doesn't give a damn about our well-being. Nothing has changed since slavery; we are still being used like cattle conditioned to do nothing more, but work and breed a generation of future workers for those who control every aspect of our pitiful lives while our communities continually descend into the abyss of nothingness.

The thought of such a notion is absolutely appalling! We have dwelled in this nation for over four-hundred years, yet we have failed to become the masters of our own fate. Instead, we persist in seeking contentment via validation from our Caucasian counterparts, thus overlooking and ignorning relevant issues that plague us a people until a tragedy occurs!!!

Such tragic events are simply symptoms of a much more debilitating illness. However, we possess an irrational and irritating tendency of analyzing the sneeze rather than attempting to attack the viral disease. Sorrowfully, the acceptance of this adopted methodology has produced the perfect breeding ground for sickness to spread, ravage, and doom Black America to a disabled state of existence.

It's no secret. We are in need of a liberating inoculation; not the placebo effect of a goodwill gesture (such as the election of a Black Commander in Chief), but actual antibodies that will be effective in eradicating the elevated epidemic running rampant in our collective communities. We must purge ourselves of all counterproductive mentalities that paint our cultural salve as a mythic and larger than life event that will suddenly descend from the heavens without any stragetic planning and active implementation; such apathetic and passive actions, or lack thereof, only fuel ineffectiveness.

The esstential elements of this transformative healing elixir are closer than we think. However, if we remain in the murky shadows afraid of assuming responsibility for the advancement of our people, the elusive medicinal balm that I speak of will remain hidden in plain sight. All the serperate entities are there, waiting for us to combine them into a singulair concotion that will become a cure for an ailing Black America. All we must do is evaluate the path of our predecessors and all the key ingredients in the formula will soon be discovered.

Let's consider the Afrikans forced to travel across the Atlantic to construct "The New World." The first component of their humanity that was abolished was their identity. Recapturing this sense of self is crucial to the progression of our culture, without this core element the formula will be utterly useless. A serious thrust towards re-education must be mounted within African-American spheres of influence. I propose establishing privately owned education centers that serve as a counteractive supplement to the standarized-test based curriculum prevelant in most school districts throughout the nation.

At these learning centers, Black instructors will utilize the Socratic method to teach Black children their true historical legacy from an AfroCentric perspective. Our youth will also become well-versed in their understanding of the world's religious systems. Additional distance learning programs will become available to interested adults at universities, community colleges, and localized neighborhood organizations; such a preventative measure would bolster the collective consciousness, intellect, and esteem of our people. Consequently, a cylclic pattern of information transference from one generation-to-the-next would emerge and reduce a number of self-destructive and high-risk behaviors acted upon by individuals with an unhealty self-image. Desired goal: 40% of Black Americans born within U.S. borders be famaliar with information taught at learning centers by 2060.

Now let us reflect upon the cruel, cold-hearted, and calculated atrocities of slavery and lynching; the value of our lives as African-Americans in the eyes of the dominant culture is painstakingly obvious. We are viewed as inferior and subhuman. The actions(like when white women clutch their purse when a dapper young gent such as myself enters an elevator) of the dominant culture substainates this claim. Our ancestors were beaten, raped, and murdered. The legal system of the time did nothing to protect the life or rights of "colored peoples."

Ironically, this supposedly improved legal system is still absolving White men disguised as "protectors of justice" as they murder young Black men, women, and children with little-to-no consequences for their henious crimes. Moreover, a barrage of racially biased legal statues still exist. These statues ensure that the private-and-public sector both receive dirt-cheap labor from Black men stuck in this nation's prision industrial system. As I said at the inception of this article, "nothing has changed since slavery....," a pretty good number of our brothers and sisters work for little-to-nothing and lack liberty, SOUNDS LIKE SLAVERY TO ME!!!!!!!.

Must I continue rationalizing why we must gain a throrough understanding of the American legal system? I haven't even tackled job discrimination, driving while black, and other pertinent issues. I propose creating an elite force of Black lawyers by 2060.In order to make this vision a reality, we must start with the youngest of our communities. Through a series of aptitude and personality tests we will discover which children are naturally predisposed to the skill-sets required to become an effective lawyer. Then 6-8% of Black children born between (2020-2060) would be groomed for a career in law to combat such disparaging occurences this nation's "hallowed halls of justice." As a result, the Black community will produce an entire generation of Thurgood Marshalls and Barbara Jordans to petition on our behalf in civil and criminal matters.

An in-depth understanding of commerce is another vital element in the formula for Black America's progressive transformation. Brothers and sisters gotta eat, but we mustn't beg for scraps or allow payday loan services, liquor stores, and Asian-owned fried chicken shacks to continually exploit us within the borders of our very own communities. Once again, I propose creating a core group of Black business-people with varying levels of expertise in accounting and finance by 2060. Through a series of aptitude and personality tests we will discover which children are naturally predisposed to the skill-sets required to become a formidable business-person. Then 8-10% of Black children born between (2020-2060) would be groomed for a career in the business field.

Most entrepreneurial endeavors fail due to the aspiring business owner's ignorance of core business principals learned within the accounting and finance field; once we as a people get a greater understanding of the stock market, outsourcing, trade, free-market enterprise, start-up capital, angel investors, and a whole slew of other business principles; then we'll have a fighting chance of establishing successful businesses, and transform the economic landscape of our own communities. We will be equipped to operate our own resturants, publishing companies, non-profits, tax services, gyms, book-stores, delivery services, dry cleaners, marketing companies, electronics stores, or whatever we desire to launch. Additionally, this would indirectly free us from the trap of becoming underemployed in a company whose owner(s) captialize off our our labor(which decreases the owner's bottom line) while we are forced to remain without a proper exit strategy due to a lack of viable options.

Truth of the matter is we live in a society that fosters and exploits the ignorance of the disenfranchised. Let us not remain ignorant. Let us not continue to be exploited and devalued. We must gain knowledge and utilize it to acquire our share of power in this nation. The formula is simple:

(KNOWLEDGE OF SELF+ KNOWLEDGE OF LAW + KNOWLEDGE OF COMMERCE)= LIBERATION

These principles are applicable on a marco and mirco level! We live in a time where knowledge is at our fingertips. So let's equip ourselves! Research these topics on Google. Order books from Amazon.com. Read the newspaper. Take a distance learning class at a community college or university. Visit a museum. Visit a chamber of commerce. Visit the Small Business Administration. Visit a law library. Enroll to gain your bachelors degree in Business or Political Science.

The opportunities are LIMITLESS, question is will we take advantage of them or sit on our ass, let them pass us by, and continue being sick and tired all the damn time?????!!!!!!!!!!.

BLACK PARENTS: WHITE JESUS SAID STOP SLAPPING THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR CHILDREN

2010-07-16T18:24:00.004-05:00

There have been a myriad of great debates concerning a number of issues plaguing the Black community. Of course, there is the perennial plight of Black singles, in addition to racial disparities in education, sky-rocketing incarceration rates amongst Black males, rising suicide rates, and an ever increasing level of nihilism and apathy that has invaded our communities. There are a number of entities that we LOVE to blame! Institutionlized racism, hip-hop culture, music, television, film, and other by-products of the entertainment industry typically find themselves on this "Most Wanted" list of culprits responsible for the decomposition of Black America.

Personally, I think any individual who has the audacity to place fault on any of the above is an ignorant mofo unworthy of the Afrikan blood flowing through their veins. It's time out for pointing the accusing finger outwardly onto others. It is time we began taking a page from Mike Jackson's book, looked in the mirror, and pointed that same accusatory finger inwardly.

The root of all the problems harming us as a people is found within the home. If we do not begin to take responsiblity for ourselves and fight for progressive change within our own lives, then we will become epic fuck-ups who hook-up with other epic fuck-ups, and consequently beget another generation of fuck-ups, and thus the cycle of fucking up will continue.

Now, do not be mistaken. I do not claim to be an expert in child-rearing, nor am I a father at the present moment, but trust that I am doing everything in my power to ensure that I become a stronger, more capable, and intelligent Black man who will raise a strong-willed, strong-minded, and self-sufficent son(I hope) or daughter, instead of a perpetually weak and docile person who is of no benefit to anyone or anything.

In order for this to occur we as Black people have to begin challenging the notion of what "Black parenting" is and what it looks like. It is true, we cannot raise our children in the same manner as the dominant culture; we must prepare our young ones to deal with issues White children will NEVER be forced to contend with such as: how to properly deal with police officers, being the only Black face in a public space, and learning to embrace their AfroCentric features in a world where EuroCentric standards of beauty are the norm.

But this does not mean that we have to continue blindly following the bullshit that a number of comedians joke about and that we value as "Black parenting." This perceived notion of an angry Black mom or dad moments away from going ballastic is exceedingly detrimental to our children and collective communities. An eye-opening example of the foolishness that I speak about can be found in the following movie clip:

And there you have it. A Black mother slapping the shit out of her daughter for expressing her perspective. View the clip. Do you agree or disagree with the slap?

Everytime I watch, "A Raisin in the Sun," this scene bothers me because of how it accurately illustrates what occurs in many Black American households. Why? Because I've seen it played out in grocery stores, banks, and parks where overly-aggressive Black parents have hurled a barrage of expletives at their much younger children, while ordering them to stop crying before the parent gives them something to cry about.

Additionally, I am always left wondering why Black children are rarely ever given the opportunity to voice their own opinions, beliefs, and ideas without some form of physical punishment following the verbal dissension from their mother and/or father. Why don't we give our children the liberty to question our beliefs? Why don't we teach them to respectfully disagree with other individuals? Why don't we teach them to speak against governing rules and laws they find unjust? Why do we teach them to simply, "OBEY" and "DO AS YOU'RE TOLD?"

Moreover, we live in an increasingly multi-cultural society with differing viewpoints, yet we still force our moral convictions and values down our children's throats without allowing them to develop their own. Why do we do this? And why do we utilize religious dogma to justify violence against our children, while simantaneously attempting to shame and guilt them for asserting their independence.

This isn't how you raise a leader. This isn't how you raise a functioning member of society. This isn't how you raise an intellectual. I say let your children ask all the questions they want. And actually try answering their questions with sound logic. If you cannot effectively explain your reasoning behind a particular course of action concerning your child, then that may be a hint and a half that you don't know what the fuck you are doing, and you may need to slowly step away from the child, put down the freaking belt/switch/hair-brush/comb/extension cord down, lower your voice, calm down, and really think about why you are doing what you do to your child.

Is it benefical? Our children need an abundance of encouargement, love, and support from us. We do not need to continually degrade our children in the home, and then send them into a world preconditioned to tear them down because it ignorantly perceives them as a threat.

The way we parent our children in the Black community has to change as times change, or we will be bitching and moaning about the same unresolved issues in 3010, and we will have nobody to blame but ourselves; not the government! not the white man! not the media! not our supervisors! not the school teachers! not the administrators! not the cops!

But ourselves! We MUST do better by our children and stop treating them the way ole massa' treated his slaves! Question is, where do we begin in this quest of being better men and women who become excellent parents?

-E. Reed